It’s been well over 6 months since I last published anything on this newsletter. Not for lack of trying (you should see all the drafts I started and never finished), but some things got in the way:
Validexcuses: I’ve had little time left to work on my own creative projects since I started travelling full time in September last year (poor me), and when I have been able to find time, that energy has been focused on my photography.Anxiety: as time went by, despite my desire to keep writing, the months since my last piece just kept piling up and up, leaving me to feel completely overwhelmed by the very idea of writing.
Lack of work ethic: it takes effort to write, and even though I started exploring many ideas, I must admit I didn’t have the proper regime to carry them out and feel proud enough I could click on “publish”.
As I self-diagnosed what has made me lose touch with this newsletter these last 6 months, I realised that it is those same obstacles that tend to get in the way of friends keeping in touch over time, and maintaining their relationships (something which I’m pretty sure affects all adults over the age of 25). Think about it:
Valid excuses: you haven’t had the time to message that friend since you got that new job, moved to a new city, started a family, met the person you’re currently dating, etc.
Anxiety: although red notifications can boost your dopamine level, being bombarded by messages all day every day from coworkers, friends, and family, on multiple channels (email, Whatsapp, Facebook messenger, Instagram, Snapchat, to name a few), haunted by the pressure to answer ASAP because the person on the other end knows you read their message, can make the simplest communication feel extremely overwhelming. And the more time goes by, the more “pointless” it may feel to reach out or to answer to the other person so you just let it go and forget about it.
Lack of work ethic: it feels effortless to maintain relationships with the people you see everyday because they’re always around, compared to having to carve time out of your busy day to think about a person you haven’t seen in a while and to send them an update on your life, and in turn, ask about theirs. So why wouldn’t you unconsciously prioritise the former?
As someone with deep insecurities when it comes to friendship, I try really hard to overcome those obstacles and to keep in touch with people. This probably comes from having to move and change schools on such a regular basis while growing up (there was once a period of 4 years over which I attended 4 different schools). It takes time to build solid relationships, and as I wasn’t given that time, I had to make a conscious choice between keeping in touch with friends, or giving up on friendship altogether.
Having the chance to move around so much, meant I never felt grounded anywhere, and so the friendships I made along the way were the only remains of my passage in a place, and how meaningful the time I spent there was. Most of my childhood memories from living in Cameroon revolve around performing dance shows and playing with Barbie dolls with Coline (we were 4 years old). The reason I view London as a home even though I haven’t lived there in so long is because of the great people I met there before heading to university and who’ve stuck around my life the longest – including my husband. And my last few years in Paris wouldn’t have made me love this city so much if it wasn’t for the coworkers who became much more to me because of the struggles we went through together.
Transferring my attachment from places to people means I have a hard time letting relationships go. If someone comes into my life, and has a positive impact, I will want to hold on to them even after life separates us, whilst those who stay usually move on with their lives, creating new meaningful memories, in the same place, with other people, and without me.
Now that I’m constantly travelling (a lifestyle I’m incredibly grateful for may I add), I’ve been learning to accept the fact friends will outgrow our common history. I like to dedicate them moments during my travels by sending them postcards from remote places (I like to experiment with the international post system) as a way of saying “I’m far away but I still think of you” without the pressure (for them, and for me) of expecting a response, unlike on messenger apps.
And yes it’s hard to let go of people you once cared about when they seem to have completely forgotten about you; I get triggered sometimes, and can feel incredibly sad seeing people move on. But I find comfort in the fact years of coming and leaving have taught me that relationships don’t have to be linear. I’ve reconnected with some people, despite years of not seeing or talking to them because circumstances changed, chance brought us together again or we have more in common these days. There are friends whom I have barely or not seen at all in over 10 years because they’ve moved so far away, and yet I still feel strongly connected to them because I know that when we do meet up again it feels like we were never apart.
So although I’m not currently tied down anywhere, I’m still grateful to have strings from all of my past lives dotted around the world and that I can grab onto whenever the timing is right.
Image credit: Lady Bird, Greta Gerwig (2017)