Back in December 2019, my husband and I travelled to California to try the sourdough bread at Tartine in San Francisco, the fried chicken sandwiches from The Win-Dow in Los Angeles, visit Alcatraz, see Yosemite with our own eyes, and hike around Griffith Park. We got back from that trip to cold wintery Paris, and spent the next 2 months talking about it every single day. We loved our life then (we hadn’t lived through a pandemic just yet) but already suspected we might outgrow it one day, and needed to dream of a new adventure.
So much has changed since, and I am happy to report that I was finally granted a visa earlier this Autumn, allowing us to make the move to the Bay area (who says “San Francisco” anyway?). Despite this huge change, I am really excited to replace preconceived images I have acquired from pop culture (hello Halliwell Manor) into real experiences, and familiarise myself with an entire new world of culture and nature.
I was hesitant to write this “life update” at first, afraid to fall victim to the main character syndrome, and have the pretension to assume anyone cares at all. These concerns have made me reluctant to share details about my life online ever since I took a relatively big step back from social media throughout the year we went travelling. During that time, I realised there was a thin line between narrating my life and performing it for others, and that either was taking away from being present in the moment. Posting less made me question why I’d once given so much importance to sharing everything from what/where I ate, to whom I hung out with or even what I thought about politics. As less people got to witness the ins and outs of my life, and yet not more reached out to ask for news, I realised social media had tricked me into believing voyeurism equated caring.
Looking back on that social media version of myself feels like watching teens in front of a tripod performing the latest trending dance with the hope to go viral on TikTok. It might take off, and give a them a sense of validation on that platform for a short while, but looking from the outside of that bubble it certainly feels incongruous. That’s what happened to me as I reread some old and very cringe Instagram captions of mine (a word of advice: don’t put yourself through this).
[For those less familiar with Instagram and TikTok, I would describe it as realising you’re Truman in a Truman Show of your own doing. Once you’ve become aware of the performative reality of your life, do you stay in it? Or do you walk away?]
Putting out these thoughts on the internet already feels like oversharing, and I know that if I wait too long to click “publish” I will question the whole point of writing this newsletter and archive it. At the same time, I’m very aware that I will one day look back on these very lines and also cringe at the cynical thinks-she’s-above-it-all vibe I am putting out. The truth is that it can be so much fun to act out moments of your life as though they were a film, and transform beautiful moments into memory capsules by sharing them on social media. This was the initial appeal of it after all, and I myself still indulge in it every now and then.
But beyond that, assuming nobody actually cares about how I’m doing and thus refusing to open up does take away from the people who might be curious to know where I’m at, and whose life, like everyone, gets so busy that exchanging private messages does not come so easily.
So here’s a short list of what it has been like, adjusting to this new chapter:
Yes, San Francisco is as hilly as depicted in The Princess Diaries. We live at the very top of a hill and my legs have not gotten used to it (yet).
I won’t mention the novelty of having to measure things in inches, ounces, gallons, etc. But I will say this: the concept of “standard size” is a myth. What I’ve known my whole life as A4 paper is irrelevant over here.
Overcoming seasonal depression is much easier in a place that is sunny 95% of the time. And Golden hour hits different here.
Of course I miss Parisian croissants (particularly Maison Isabelle’s). But have you tried Bob’s crumb raise doughnut?
Despite having a very small support system here, I have not been feeling lonely. I do however feel slightly isolated past 3pm, when everyone I know is fast asleep on the other side of the Earth. So if you have any friends who live in the same timezone as I do, please let me know!
And so, although the day’s only just begun for me, let me say to you: good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight!
PS: I made a short film!
Lost and found is a story I shot, back in January, on a single reel of Super 8 film (no editing, no post-production, everything was done in camera). After a 10 month wait I was finally able to see it for the first time and share it with the world. And I’m a little embarrassed, although I shouldn’t be, to say that I’m very proud of it! This short truly encapsulates my creative soul and it means the world to me that 2 minutes and 42 seconds have brought some joy to those who have already watched it.
Image credit: Inside Out, Pixar (2015)